How being needy can ruin your relationships

Fact: The needier you are the less attracted people are towards you. No matter how nice they are or how much they initially were attracted to you in the beginning.

I know a good friend of mine who had a friend that became very obsessive with their friendship. They met during a conference and they both enjoyed their time together and continued to be friends afterwards.

Later on, his new friend started continuously calling trying to make more time to meet and started to become emotional about everything; very happy when they meet, very sad when they didn’t, very concerned about whether he cared or not and started blaming him more often about it.

My friend started feeling irritated and lost interest in the friendship. He tried to withdraw kindly, but when his friend made a fuss about it, he stopped answering her all together.

He explained that he felt guilty for feeling resentful towards his friend, especially because he believed that she was kind and didn’t mean to act this way and that it was probably out of a need for friendship. And even though he understood all this, he still couldn’t help the feelings of resentment.

Even when it comes to romantic relationships obsession can ruin everything. In my book How to make someone fall in love with you i explained how you should appear mysterious and not needy by any means in order to become more attractive. In short, the needier you become the less attractive you appear to be to the opposite sex.

What is obsession?

Obsession is extreme focus resulting from a need. If you are obsessed with someone, ask yourself what is it that you are missing and are unconsciously trying to get from this person. (see also unmet needs psychology)

Don’t answer this question with what you love about this person, yes, you would probably still like/love this person if you didn’t need to fix this, but this is not what I want you to think about.

I want you to think why you need this person so much?
To elaborate, I will explain how obsession works. When there is an unmet need your brain sends you signals in the form of extreme love towards someone who can fulfill it. You may love this person even if you didn’t have this need, but due this unmet need, your brain sends you more emotions of love as signals to push you to be with this person even more to meet it. (see also The psychology of love)

So first think and identify what it is exactly that you need?

How to become less obsessive with someone

Next, you don’t want to depend on one single source to meet this need.
You need to have a variety of people and activities to meet it. It’s OK to have a need, every human being has needs, if not very similar. The point is not to depend on one person to satisfy it because if you do, you will live in constant worry. (see also I need to be loved)

Make sure you separate your needs into:
1) things that you need other people for to meet, like the need for intimacy
2) things that you need your self’s attention on, like fixing self-esteem

If your need is the need to feel worthy for example, then this is something that you require your own attention on. Here you should do something along with the first advice, and that is working on what you believe needs improvement in yourself until you like yourself internally. See what you need to improve and read about it and continue to improve it until you will feel great about yourself.

Until then, these advice will greatly help you

As you are fixing this need, which is the root cause to the problem and hence will be the real remedy to it, there are several things that you can do to help you stop being less obsessive:

1) De-focus: Since obsession is extreme focus on someone, you need to De-focus. You can do so by deliberately deciding to stop excessively thinking about them. Decide on the appropriate number of times you should contact them, and stop thinking about them until it’s time to talk to call or meet them. To help you with this, say ‘block’ every time a thought about them comes through your head. You will be amazed at how your attitude will change, when you change your thinking. (see also How to stop obsessive worrying)
2)Put your focus on solutions: Always have an internal plan of how you can feel happy and fill your need if this person or these people aren’t there anymore. You can’t keep people who don’t want to be there no matter how much you try, because even if they are there, they won’t be there from the inside. So instead, think how you can widen your circle and how else you can fill this need. Always have a plan, because when you have a plan, you’re much less desperate.
3)Are they too cold?: Sometimes the other person is the other extreme as well. Ask yourself, are they are normally not too close compared to other people?
If you’re with a partner or a friend who is too detached then the problem is not just with you, it’s with trying to get something from someone who needs space that’s a bit larger than normal. In this case, don’t lose contact with them, respect their space but try to look elsewhere how to fill this need with someone who is more approachable – while you work on yourself.(see also 10 ways to boost your communication skills)

2knowmysef is not a complicated medical website nor a boring online encyclopedia but rather a place where you will find simple, to the point and effective information that is backed by psychology and presented in a simple way that you can understand and apply. If you think that this is some kind of marketing hype then see what other visitors say about 2knowmyself.The book How to make someone fall in love with you was released by 2knowmyself.com; the book will dramatically increase your chance of letting someone fall in love with you.

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